Sometimes bad things happen. I had my fair share of broken relationship stories and each time I manage to survive it. Rather than whine about it, I aim to embrace my flaws. These are the things I do to recover from a broken relationship.
Do All of The 5 Stages of Grieve
I went through all 5 stages of grieve; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
When my marriage begins to sink, my initial reaction was to deny it. I remember thinking to myself “oh this just the usual fight. We will be ok soon. This is not a big deal. He will come around”.
Nope, it was not just a fight; it was a clear sign of an end. I was very angry at myself, at him. I was so furious about the whole situation. Neither of us is willing to give in. I was bargaining with myself with a series of “what if”
“what if I haven’t say that”
“what if I just play along without speaking my mind”
“what if I pretend like everything is fine”
“what if I am holding on a little longer”
“what if we start over and act like nothing happen”
Those “what if” going around in my mind for months and months, torturing me to the core, until I made my decision to end things. It was such a horrible, unbearable and painful feeling I ever had. It hurt so much that I cried almost every day until the point that my eyes were so tired, my vision started to degrade. This is no joke; I suddenly need glasses to help my eyesight.
I feel suffocated with my own feelings, I was longing for someone that does not even give a damn. I was depressed. I don’t know what to do and I didn’t feel like doing anything. All the happy memories haunted me every night. I keep going back and forth between bargaining and depression state. It took a while to fix myself; it was a struggle for me to grasp everything that happens. I finally accept my situation, I acknowledge that I have made a choice and I am going to deal with the consequences. Someone is no longer there in my life and I learn to live with it. There was a hole in my heart, but I know I will survive this.
Seek Professional Help
Do not face your problem alone. It is ok to seek help from other people. The closest help you can get is from your family and friends. Tell them what happens, tell them your devastation and there is no reason to feel ashamed. Divorce is tough; do not try to go through it alone. Get as much as help as you need to bounce back and face reality. If that is not enough, seek professional help, like a psychologist.
Sometime even when we already pour our heart out to our closest people, the void just gets bigger and the wounds grow deeper. Consult to a psychologist might be able to help you. Going to a psychologist does not mean you are crazy.
The pain was excruciating, I thought I am going to lose it if I did not seek professional help. I went for therapy with a psychologist once; it really did help me to heal the emptiness in my heart. I feel so much lighter after the therapy.
Go For Holiday
The most effective cure of all is a holiday. Well, if you have money to spare for holiday, I suggest you go for it. Last year was a total blessing for me. I call it “The year of self-healing”. What better way to wash away misery than to go on vacation? I had the opportunity to visit 2 new countries I had never seen before; Japan and New Zealand. Not only that, I stayed for a week in one of my favorite countries that I’d been missing for ages, Australia. I was completely blown away by the awesomeness of Japan and the beauty of New Zealand’s nature. I got to spend valuable time with my parents and my son; I loved every single minute of it. My son had his first experience with snow in Tokyo and seeing how happy he was, made me ecstatic.
My parents went home earlier than we did, so I went to Osaka with my son. Yes, just the two of us. It was an unexpected situation, I could have gone home with my parents, but instead, I decided to continue the holiday without them. I kept thinking, how I will survive this vacation without help with only me and my toddler?.
But you know what? I did it, and it was such a great time together with my son. We stayed in Tokyo and Osaka. I wrote a post about traveling to Osaka with my four-year-old son Visiting Universal Studio Japan with A Toddler and Jalan-Jalan ke Osaka Berdua Anak 4 Tahun if you are interested to read it.
There is something about seeing new places and trying new things that are so soothing to me. I feel so refresh, blissful and content. A new experience, new places, new people, those are the kick I needed to move forward in life. I completely forget what sadness is after I went on a long vacation. It does not have to be other countries, just go to places you haven’t been before. Getaway from all the stress you have and enjoy the journey.
Reconnect With Friend
I don’t know about people in general, but when I was still married, I rarely meet my friends because I am busy with my life. But now I have more free time, and I love it. I use this opportunity to reconnect with my friends. I meet my best friends more often these days.
When I went to Japan and Sydney, I make time to see my friends I have not met for years to catch up and see how they are doing. It makes me remember the good old times. Even though the meeting was only for like 2 to 3 hours, it gives me the joy to see them again.
Explore Your Hobbies
Like I said, now that I have more free time, I want to use it for my personal development. I want to grow as a person in terms of adding more value to myself through the learning process. Rather than occupying my mind with destructive thoughts, I want to fill it with new things, such as learning how to be a loveable content creator, or how to do personal financial management.
Things you love doing without feeling any burden and when you do it, you lost the track of time, for me, it is writing. I don’t think my friends know I like writing, because I don’t talk about it very much. I also don’t have the courage to show it to people, I was shy. But then I realize, why so worried? I like to write then share it. One of the reasons why I started this blog is to share my experience of traveling or my opinion on some beauty products, who knows the things I write can be useful to people who read it. It helps me channel all my negative energy to positive things.
I know, it is hard to skip this part. You might think what happens is entirely your fault. You keep blaming yourself for everything; you keep thinking what went wrong. You need to stop it, stop blaming yourself. It is done, it is broken, admit it, deal with it and forgive yourself. Let go of that burden. There are things that cannot return to what it used to be, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you tried. Leave the hardship behind, and start to appreciate yourself. Failure is a part of life, you may fail but you will learn. I forgive myself and I have no regret. Once you forgive yourself, you will turn your pain into power.
Remember to Love Yourself
I always put my family interest above others, including myself. I took care of my family and make sure they are always happy and comfortable. I tried my best to avoid any conflict even though my feeling was neglected. I sacrificed a lot, and I was willing to do so for on behalf of my family. When everything fell apart, I condemn myself. It was as if the pain would never go away. I forget to take care of myself.
The divorce takes a toll on my body. I remember that time I did not feel hungry for days, I eat very little. And soon enough I have stomach problems. I was so stressed that I lost weight. Many people I met keep mentioned how skinny I become, and jokingly ask me to eat more so I would not look so thin. My weight drop to 42 Kg, it was the lightest I ever been in my life. My mind was so occupied that I didn’t really pay attention to my well-being.
Nevertheless, I am done with it. I am so over with being too harsh on myself. I realized that I need to be happy for the sake of my son. There is still one small human being that relies on me and needed me the most.
I am able to do things I have been reluctant to do because I was too scared before. I cut off toxic people from my life. Being a people pleaser, I used to care too much on other people opinion. Even though I know certain people treat me horribly, I still force myself to be patient. Nowadays, I’m not gonna let myself be affected by those toxic people anymore. If they can’t treat me the way I deserved, then screw it! I cut them off from my life.
Appreciate Little Things
Losing someone, make me realize that I still have people around me that genuinely love, care and support me. In a difficult time in life, I began to see who truly cared for me, those people who were really there when I needed them the most. You never know what you got until it’s gone right? I tried my best to appreciate even little things in life. Every time I look at my son, I am so thankful to have him in my life. Spending time with him had become more precious than before. I don’t want to miss his childhood and I will be there for him as much I can.
Sure, life is busy with work and other stuff. You may think, “oh I am so busy, I don’t have time for this”. You’re never too busy for something. If you really want it, you will make the time for it. It is just a matter of priority. I tried to manage my time and used my time to balance everything, between family, works, friends, and of course time for myself. I am not going to take everything for granted. I am grateful for all the things I have and I stop complaining about the things I don’t have.
Regain Your Power
I was a stay-at-home mom. I had minimum working experience and I relied a lot on the other person. It was not awful to be a stay-at-home mom; I really do enjoy taking care of my son. But if bad things happen and suddenly my life change, I should be prepared for it. That kind of situation forced me to become more independent. Being independent is something I should be whether I am married or single. It’s hard to stand on your own feet without a significant other, but you will learn it. Ultimately, you will realize that you are tougher than you thought you were and you are capable of doing anything.
I am a single mom, my marriage was broken, so what? It’s not something I should be ashamed of; it shouldn’t be an embarrassment for you either. Whatever happens, it is already ended. Stop feeling guilty over it. I am not going to lie, I felt like that too before, but I am not sorry anymore. People will always have their opinions, just let them. You have to believe in yourself and know your worth.
Forget The Past
Easier to say that than to be done, isn’t it? How can you forget such a traumatizing event in your life? No amount of guilt will change the past, what’s done is done. Recover your self-esteem, build your strength and it is time to move on with your life. Thinking constantly about the past will only bring you down. Remembering the same shit over and over again will mentally exhaust you.
Sure, it’s difficult to be a single mom. But who says I can’t enjoy my life regardless? The sun will rise again after the storm right.? Life your life with gratitude, and just be happy.
If you’re going through a difficult time in your life now and thinking of giving up, please remember, there are people who still care and love you. They need you to survive this difficulty. Take the time to heal your wounds and don’t be afraid to seek help. This pain will only make you a much stronger person. It is not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it. I hope you will always remember to love yourself.