Why Finding A New Relationship After Divorce Is Difficult

I don’t know how many times people asking me, “why don’t you start dating” or “don’t you want to have a husband (again)”. A relationship is not easy, it is not like you can find the perfect guy within a month or even a year. Besides, what’s wrong with being single? being single is awesome :D.  Finding a relationship is generally hard, why?

Time

Way back when I am in my 20 and single and has no child yet, dating is easy. You know why? It is because, in your 20, you have plenty of everything; plenty of time, plenty of choices, plenty of opportunities to meet new people, and plenty of chances. Meanwhile, in my 30, I am lacking in everything I mentioned above. I have such a limited time to do things outside my routine. My time is already occupied by my work and my son. Weekdays are filled with work from 9 to 5 and heavy traffic back and forth every day. And of course, after going home, I spend time with my son; playing, talking and teaching him school stuff. I cannot help but feel exhausted on weekdays. Then on weekends, it is time to rest.

A relationship takes time, consistency and communication and to be able to do that, we need to spare time to spend with that person, to get to know him better. A relationship needs time to blossom, right? But time itself is a luxury at this age. There is a tight schedule day by day, and I tried my best to use up my time for valuable things. I have to balance between my son, work, exercise, hobby, reading, write a blog post, and meeting friends. My life is so busy; I sometimes wonder how I can build a new relationship in the future when I barely have time for myself.

Another thing is, to find someone new you need to venture out of your circle. Networking with people or perhaps joining a new circle of friends, which ultimately needs time allocation too. Jakarta is such a tricky city to travel around due to its horrible traffic, meet up new people needs a lot of effort and it is a time-consuming activity. Unfortunately, I tried meeting up with new people so far and it is rather difficult to maintain.

Certain Standard

“I want a tall, handsome, kind, rich, sweet, romantic and bla..bla..bla..”

Oh yes, that long list of a “dream guy”. They said, when you in your 20s, you can make a long list as you want cause you are still young. But when you are the 30s, they said you cannot have such a long list of “dream guy”. Because, it is not appropriate to ask too much when you already,,, you know,,,, older. If your list is too long you might not get any man. What bullshit.

I am in my 30s, why can’t I have a standard in dating a man? Yes, I am not that young, so what? Am I not allowed to search for the best for myself just because I am older? Now, more than ever I know my worth and I am not gonna lower my standard just because I am older. I know what I deserved. Unless I found that other person that met my standard, I don’t think I want to settle.

 

Financial stability

People will say, “Oh don’t be materialistic. Look for love, not money”. Okay first of all, what’s wrong with wanting to have a partner that can provide you with financial stability? Financial stability is key to build a family. You wanted to have a nice house, eating nice food, live in a good environment, and you wanted to provide a great future for your children right?. Find someone who has the same point of view towards money as you are. If you love to save and invest your money, I don’t think you want to be with someone who love to waste money. In your 30, you probably already have a job and steady income anyway. It is perfectly fine to look for someone that is equally financially stable as you are. After all, marriage is a serious commitment that needs to take the financial situation into consideration.

 

The risk of hurting

If you do not want to be hurt, then don’t fall in love. Well, it is easier to say than done. Since I experience a broken marriage; the fear of starting a new relationship is real. I always ask myself, is it going to be ok, is it worth trying. Should I give up my awesome single life? LOL.

A relationship can be tiring you know, especially when you try the best you can compromise so much and you end up sacrifice yourself. I would say this is the hardest thing to overcome. When in love, we tend to ignore red flags and that is not okay.

 

Baggage

We all have baggage from the past or even now. You may think of yourself as a failure, which can’t put yourself together. I often wonder will there be someone who truly accepts me and all my baggage or will I can fully accept that other person’s baggage. Single mother status is not exactly appealing to some people. But I do not care about what people think about it. I never think of it as a burden, it is what it is.

I have a son, and I never think my son is “baggage from the past”. I want someone that sees my son as the extension of my love, not a burden.

 

Will I be able to find that special someone for the second time? I do not know. Now I am no longer rely on my happiness upon that significant others.  I am happy and grateful for my life right now. I create my own happiness with or without a lover. I do not want to worry about something I do not have yet. I think if I met someone and that someone cannot make me happier than I already am, then I will rather be on my own. Why bother risking my joyful life for someone that does not add value in my life and unable to make me happy? Do not be discourage just because you are single. I think we should aim to be a strong and independent woman so we can create your own happiness. Believe that you can shine on your own.

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