I have been in a toxic relationship before, I realize now what I did wrong that get me into that kind of relationship for so long. These are the mistakes that I ever made, I hope by reading this, you will be prevented from an unhealthy relationship.
- Be strong and independent
This is an important thing, to begin with. As a woman, we need to be independent. Work hard and earn your own money. Do not depend on the dream of having a rich husband to take care of all your needs. I think even after marriage, as a woman we still need to be financially independent. In terms of earning our own money, who knows what going to happen along the way. There are possibilities that we need to be prepared to face. You also should know how to manage your money, so you do not have to rely on the other to live your life. Having financial and mental stability will make you secure about yourself. If we solely depend on a husband, what happens if the husband suddenly died? would you be able to replace him to be the breadwinner for your family? are you prepared enough to handle the financial situation?
Be independent also means that you know how to put your happiness within yourself. We never know what is going to happen, it will be better be prepared from the beginning. So when you are looking for a husband or wife, it is because you wanted to not because you have to.
- Eliminates early on
Analyze early on your date or when you already in a relationship, what kind of person they are. Will you be able to spend the rest of your life with them? Would you want them to be your child’s mother or father? If the answer is no, just leave it at that. Eliminates a person early on a relationship is better than later.
Do not ever think marriage will make the problem in your current relationship go away. A person’s character is who they are. If they are selfish from the beginning, they will always be selfish until the end.
Can people change their character? There are 3 things that can change a person’s character; it can cause by a shocking event in their life, they have the intention to change themselves, or they can change but it took a seriously long time. A Psychologist once told me, that it took 20 plus years for a person to alter their character, let this sink in, and ask yourself “Am I willing to wait that long?”
I used to have this “heroic” side of me, thinking I can change someone as time goes by. “I can change this person smoking habit, he promised me he will stop smoking after a certain time”. NOPE, they did not. I would say this, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE. Believe them when they say who they are, without ever think “this is just for a while, later he/she will change for the better”, or “maybe he will be a better person after marriage”. They don’t, they will still be the same smoker before and after marriage. If they lie to you constantly before marriage, then it will continue to lie. Do not expect them to suddenly be the honest person you thought they will be. Nothing is going to change unless they have the intention to change from within themselves. Do not try to be their hero by sacrificing yourself for something that in the end will disappoint you. Remember, it is not your job to fix them.
- Do not ignore the red flag
Ignoring the Red flag is a term in a relationship that refers to things that you know are wrong from a person you are interested in, but because you like them so much that you pretend that nothing is wrong. For example, your boyfriend or girlfriend does not acknowledge your opinion whenever you suggest something. You know that in a relationship people need to listen to each other opinions; instead, you are thinking “this is not a big deal”. Then it continues to occur and it makes you unhappy, but you always let it slide anyway. That is ignoring the red flag.
When we are attracted to somebody and having a crush, we tend to only see what we want to see. We only see the good thing they do and ignore the bad things they do. We are blinded by our feeling that we do not see the red flag. You keep thinking it is only a small problem yet you continue to feel upset about it, then it repeated over and over again. Take a step back and analyze the person, the situation and how you really feel about the relationship between you and that person, is it worth it to continue sacrificing your happiness for that person, is it worth your sanity? If it is not, stop right there. Do not ignore any red flag when you see one. Invest in someone who invested you, someone that treats you the way you deserve.
4. Be brave to save yourself
Sometimes we just tend to deny reality. You know exactly the person is not good for you, you feel miserable, but because you love her/him so deep, you think you cannot live without them. YOU WILL SURVIVE, belief me. It takes bravery to save yourself from an unhealthy relationship. Think about how much longer you will let that person treats you horribly.
Nobody is going to save you but yourself. Cry as much as you want but remember to put your sanity above anything else. If you think you cannot stand this alone, surround yourself with people who care about you. Ask them about the situation from their perspective. Other people often can analyze the situation from a neutral standpoint better than ourselves. Sometimes, when you have been in a relationship for a long time, you just do not want to acknowledge your partner’s flaw, it takes courage to walk away. No matter how long the relationship was when it has become a toxic relationship and there is no effort to save it, then it is time to leave. Your happiness matters. Take a moment to think about it, only you can help yourself.
It is a bit difficult to tell, once you are in a toxic relationship. Since you don’t even realize you are in one. You might think, “oh this is what happens to every relationship”, but it is not. Before sink into a toxic relationship, it is better to give boundaries to protect yourself. Recognize the red flags when you see it. Fear of losing that someone might be enormous, but are you aware that you might lose yourself while trying to hold on to a toxic relationship? your happiness is in your hand, choose wisely.